Monique Steele / Buzzfeed / Via Thinkstock
1. The novelist
Wrote and published a book about me for sale at your local Barnes & Noble, Amazon, etc. Also required reading at more than a few universities. The catch? This collection of prose poetry, complete with sketches and drawings of old photos, details a rocky two-year relationship…that never happened. That’s right, I was never even aware that she thought we were in a relationship of any sort until the book was published. Joy.
—Michael DeMattia, Facebook
2. The nonbeliever
My ex told me he wanted me to get a “test” to prove our daughter was mine despite the fact that he literally watched her come out of my vagina.
—Lex Gore, Facebook
3. The urine zealot
He starting drinking and bathing in his own urine. He thought he could be Jesus. He had some of the dumbest conspiracy theories I have ever heard. He constantly body-shamed me. Do I need to keep going?
4. The music enthusiast
After knowing me for a week he created a playlist on his iPod of songs that reminded him of me — there were 600 songs on the playlist.
—Teresa Washington, Facebook
5. The artful thief
One of my exes stole my coffee cups and plastic cups. Not all of them, just one from each set so all of my cup sets would never be complete again and I’d have an odd number of cups in my cupboard.
—Shawna Sikora, Facebook
6. The medical emergency
A few weeks following the breakup I received an email from him saying he had been looking through his emails and saw we had appeared to have been friends, but because he just had brain surgery and lost ALL of his memory he didn’t exactly know who I was. He continued to ask if we could meet up and I could tell him if we were friends or more than that. Knowing he was lying — if you lose all of your memory, I’m almost positive you wouldn’t remember your email password or even how to use the keyboard — I inquired as to what kind of surgery he had and he proceeded to tell me a very specific kind of brain surgery that has only been performed on children in Africa who have hydrocephalus (swelling of the brain) due to African sleeping sickness infection. Needless to say, I think I made the smart choice by ending it.
7. The committed liar
He faked cancer after I broke up with him. Faked the results, got fake medicine, and even got admitted into the hospital and sent me selfies there. After I didn’t react how he wanted to, he was “magically cured.” #psycho
8. Mr. Call Me Maybe
All mine did was steal my lotion through my bedroom window (I’d left it open and wasn’t in the room at the time) and called me the next morning to ask me if I was missing something. The reason? He just wanted something of mine.
—Desiree Michelle Hartney, Facebook
9. The happy camper
My ex took all my camping gear — tent, sleeping bags, winter coat, boots — both his and mine, took them in the woods and LEFT THEM THERE. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of gear. Even all my extra blankets, quilts, pots, and pans — anything that could be used outside. Like, WTF, man.
—Sarah Anderson, Facebook
10. The momma’s boy
He left me because his mom told him to do so.
—Hailey Renee, Facebook
11. The internet identity
My ex once created a chat profile with MY pictures and was pretending to be me“for fun.” I found out because I walked in on him watching some other guy dance around “for me.” Later I found out he would log into his profile to chat, make me sound like crazy stalker who wasn’t even his girlfriend, log out of his profile, log into “mine,” and make “me” look for him. Leaving me eight months pregnant was the best thing he’s ever done.
—Cassandra Spindler, Facebook
12. The court case
He broke my car window then several weeks later threatened to take me to court for keeping the dog that I paid for! Hahahah clearly I was drunk the entire relationship?
13. The one who will always tell the truth
My ex broke up with me by saying she likes penis.
14. The Crock-Pot bandit
My ex held my Crock-Pot for ransom and told me that I “didn’t deserve it.”
15. The distinguished hide-and-seek
Hid in a mutual “friends” trunk to eavesdrop on our conversation. My real friend overhead the plot and let me know ahead of time so I went along with it before busting both the douchebags on their petty scheme.
16. The rolling stone
My ex moved out of our apartment while I was chaperoning a school trip to Europe! I ran into him a year later and he is single and has gained 50 pounds! #KarmaSucks
17. The wedding ringer
I attended a wedding of one of my personal friends a few months after we broke up. He called all the hotels in the area until he found the one her and her new husband were staying at and called the honeymoon suite at 2:30 in the morning asking if I was at the wedding with another guy.