I truly think that my 90-year-old parents’ next-door neighbor is trying to get his hands on their house, and maybe their money. They live in Florida. He is friendly and nice, but he tells lies about me to my parents. He tells my parents to ignore me when I suggest that it’s time to look into senior-living situations. He has also convinced them to call him in times of need, and not us, their children. I am the executor of the estate.
Faithful Shepherd
Dear Faithful,
If you are the shepherd, that makes your neighbor the wolf. There is, in fact, one thing wolves have in common with human predators. They like to isolate their intended victim from the pack, their family, community, friends and even their caregivers. It’s a hallmark of elder abuse, and usually the first line of attack. Planting the seeds of distrust is also a somewhat base, if effective, way of slowly gaining the confidence of a vulnerable elderly friend, neighbor or family member.
It does sound like this neighbor is laying the groundwork. Tell your parents about your concerns; that is something to keep an eye on and, if it gets worse, to let you know. Typically, if you suspect someone of elder abuse — emotional, physical, psychological or financial — you should report them to adult protective services, or call 911 and report them to local law-enforcement authorities or your district attorney’s office.
As tempting as it is to confront this alleged or future abuser, keep your powder dry. The American Psychological Society recommends against such confrontations as it would likely add fuel to the fire, feed into the abuser’s need for drama and division and, as such, could backfire. “Don’t put the older adult in a more vulnerable position by confronting the abuser yourself unless you have their permission and are able to help the person experiencing abuse immediately by moving them to a safe place,” the APA says. Read more here.
The National Center on Elder Abuse, a government agency affiliated with the U.S. Administration on Aging, says that one in 10 people over the age of 60 in the U.S. experienced some form of abuse in the prior year. Research still lags all the new forms of financial abuse and, as always, prevention is better than the cure. Given your parents’ age, this is the time to create a durable and medical power of attorney.
Financial signs of elder abuse include fraudulent signatures on documents, overdue bills and “unusual or sudden changes in spending patterns, will or other financial documents,” according to the nonprofit National Council on Aging. It may seem unthinkable, but caretakers, friends and family members are among the most common perpetrators of elder financial abuse. Such crimes cost elderly people up to $28 billion annually.
About those seeds of distrust: “Isolation is a red flag and many studies of elder abuse say a lack of a good support system and physical and psychological isolation are hallmarks of the problem,” according to the National Adult Protective Services Association. Your parents have each other, but when one of them passes away, the remaining spouse will be very vulnerable. Put their documents in a safe place, and perhaps add yourself as a co-signer to their accounts.
Elder abuse, including neglect and exploitation, is experienced by about 1 in 10 older adults aged 60 and over who live at home, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Such abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional or psychological, financial or negligent.
Anyone who suspects their loved one is experiencing elder abuse can visit the Eldercare Locator website or call 1-800-677-1116 to report concerns. The Eldercare Locator is a public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging.
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